Thoughts from school

Well, it's a teacher work day and I am not in the mood to work right now, so I thought I'd write a few thoughts. This year has been an interesting one. We went from three 6th grade teachers to two. Giving me 33 students in my class. I had to get rid of my teacher desk, kidney table, and reading corner in order to fit all the desks in my classroom. That is just the beginning of my interesting year. I am not completely loving my class this year as I did last year. I have tried to really pinpoint what it is that is making it this way and I have come up with a few reasons. One is the personalities of the kids. Last year I had such funny and sweet kids. They were bright and knew when it was time to work. This year I have some kids with great personalities and they are mostly sweet and funny, but something is just off. I think it is there ability to recognize when it is time to be serious and get to work. This is also the first year I have students that I feel really don't like me. I mean, I won't say that I am so wonderful that everyone loves me. But, I have never felt that I student just flat out didn't like me. I get that this year. It's hard for me. I also have realized that these students are as close and friendly with each other as my class last year was. I think the class size has a lot to do with that. But there are so many in my class that just flat out don't like each other. You would also think it was the end of the world if I paired up boys and girls. Last year my boys and girls were friends and would hang out together. I loved it! Before you start judging me as a teacher, understand that I am trying to make this a great year. I have a positive attitude and I treat these students much the same as I treated my students last year. But I am not absolutely loving coming to school everyday. I honestly loved being at school last year (of course I had my days). It has been hard for me to really get over this and try to enjoy the year as much as possible. It is a work in progress.

Another thing that has been hard for me this year is some of the issues my students are dealing with. If you don't know, the school I work at is in a middle to upper class area. It is about 99% Mormon families. Most of these kids have very structured and supportive family lives. I had a student last year whose parents had trouble with the law and that was hard to deal with. This year however, I have had other issues. Back in October one of my students found out her mom had brain cancer. That is a hard thing for a 12 year-old girl. I have talked with the dad a few times (who is a doctor) and from what I can pick up from what he says, things aren't going too well. She is in her 2nd round of chemo and it is pretty miserable for her. The parents are trying to not pull the kids into it too much and make them worried. Every time I ask this girl how her mom is doing she says "she's good". I hear they have given her not much longer to live. It just breaks my heart. I have another student who lost his dad in a car accident over Christmas break. He is one of 2 sons in the family, him being the oldest of the two. How hard would it be to loose your dad at such a critical time in his life. These are the years that dad's build their sons into who they are going to be. There are scouting trips, sports games, man-to-man talks, and teaching him the ways of the world. I was completely heart broken when I heard the news. It was then very difficult for me to figure out what I was going to say and do for this boy. If it was one of the girls in my class I would probably have taken her in my arms and cried (which I pretty much did when my girl found out her mom had cancer). With this boy it is different. He's a 12-year old boy who doesn't let his feelings show. I did after about a week of being back in class have a little chat with him. I got all teary eyed and just let him know I was hurting for him and that I really cared about him. That if he ever needed anything to let me know and I would be there for him. He seemed to really appreciate it. These are two very difficult situations for me. I get very emotionally involved and attached to people and situations. My heart goes out of them and I want to do anything and everything I can to be there for them and help them. I don't know if I am doing enough. We'll see how things play out.

It has also been an interesting journey with it being my 3rd year of teaching. My teaching license expires this year and I have to do a handful of things to renew it. Being the procrastinator that I am, I have put it all off. It is now down to about a month when it is all due and I have only touched the surface of it. Along with that, they now trust me with a student teacher. She came into my classroom the week after Christmas break and will be here until the end of February. As I am trying to get my things squared away with renewing my license I am also trying to help her with her teacher work sample and all the things she has to do to receive her first license. Things have just been a little crazy.

In all, this year has been an adventure. It is halfway over, which seems very weird. As crazy as it can get and as much as a suffer through some days, I absolutely love what I do. I wouldn't have it any other way. The classroom is where I belong. I love interacting with children (more so pre-teens with me) and just watching them learn and grow and let their personalities shine. I love knowing that I might have some kind of impact on their life and will hopefully be remembered years down the road. This is what I am suppose to do. I just hope that I can do it to the best of my ability. To make every day and every year count. To find that one child who really needs me and make a difference in their life. I am often afraid that I am not doing all that I can. In a meeting today we read this quote:

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming." - Goethe

It is so true. I just hope I am that teacher that makes life joyous not miserable, that inspires and does not torture, and heals not hurts. I want to help make this kids into the people they can become.